fiction

Chasing Dreams

Posted on by msengupta94

I ran my hands along the smooth fabric of the curtains and straightened them out one last time. I scanned the couch and chairs to check if the cushions were all in place. I went over to the appetizers spread and the made sure the vegetarian and the non-vegetarian snacks were properly separated. The drinks glasses were spotless, the decorative lights were working fine and they were all switched on. I took a deep breath and turned on the light music.

Anita, my wife, as always made sure all the guests were greeted properly at the door and all their coats were hanged neatly. My son, Yash, was delighted to see some of his friends and didn’t waste any time to go and start playing their favourite multi-players computer games. I made sure everyone who walked in had their preferred drink in hand. The two maids were offering everyone snacks with a smile on their faces. Everyone was all compliments about the house they just stepped in.

So it was finally happening – my dream apartment and my dream family. And I am celebrating it with all my friends. This, right here, is everything that I ever worked for.

Anyone who knows me says I’m living my dream.

And I am very proud of it.

I was going to each and every guest, asking them about their lives, making sure they’re comfortable and having a good time. I was repeating the same answers about my life to 20 different people and then some more. They were complimenting how beautiful my new apartment is, what a wonderful person Anita is, what a bright kid my son is, and how hard I worked for my last promotion and how much I deserved it. My heart swelled with happiness and pride.

Everything was going the smooth and exactly how it was supposed to, till one particular person walked in through the door with a bottle of wine and an extremely familiar smile. A smile that I had never expected to see even when I sent the invitation email after a lot of hesitation. I saw my wife point me out to that guest and she turned to me with the smile and the feeling of nostalgia drowned me.

I completely forgot about the guests I was talking to and immediately walked over to Parvati, one of my best friends in college. She was still the small tomboy, who has now grown her hair out to her shoulders and was wearing a grungy hipster looking dress. We hugged each other and let out a huge sigh as we realised that we were both thinking of the same person at that exact moment. The third Musketeer in our tiny group – Akash.

‘You made it!’ I exclaimed, because I honestly thought she won’t.

‘I happened to be in town for a few days, so how could I not?’ She still has the same boyish tone in her voice. Gosh, I missed her!

‘It’s been too long,’ I handed her a glass of champagne and raised my own glass. ‘Here’s to a tiny unexpected  reunion.’

‘Like Akash would say, “Keep the booze and the happiness coming!”’ We both drank to the good old times as painful memory kept tugging at the back of our minds.

I gave her a tour of the apartment and walked out into the balcony. The view of a nearby golf course and a few lakes here and there was truly amazing from the 11th floor.

She told me about her boutique, her various lines of clothing and how things have been looking pretty good. She never married, like she had predicted back in college and is living with her current boyfriend who is out of station for a business tour. The air of depression and despair that I had seen around her the last we saw each other was completely gone. As she was looking over at the view and laughing heartily, I was reminded of the impossible storm that we both had to fight through. I could not express in words how happy I felt to see her like this right now.

We talked about all the quirky memories we had of college, starting from each and every student we could remember the name and face of, the canteen food, the professors, the cleaning staff, the security guards, the college events, excursions and trips, exams, study groups, everything!

I was missing Akash so much that I wanted to talk about him. We talked about Akash as we were recalling our hilarious times in college, but we skipped talking about the actual thing – the one big event that changed all our lives. I couldn’t understand whether I should say anything or not.

‘You’re thinking about him, aren’t you?’ Parvati asked after noticing the long silence as I was looking down at my glass for quite a few seconds. I looked up at her.

‘I know,’ she said ‘I am too.’

‘I still miss him,’ I admitted.

‘You think I don’t?’ she said, taking a long sip from her glass. ‘That asshole didn’t keep any of the promises he made. He disappeared too soon, taking so many things with him.’

I reached out to hold her hand and we stood there like that for a few minutes, holding hands and staring ahead. I still remember hiding all of Parvati’s love letters for Akash in my text books. She used to write one every now and then for all the years, so that she could save them all and give him everything the day we pass out. Parvati never got the chance to tell Akash what she really felt for him. And now she never will.

‘I thought Tara had also disappeared, till I saw her yesterday.’

That name made me freeze my thoughts. Thousands of memories washed over me like a tsunami and my heart just stood there, taking the brunt of it all. I looked at Parvati and found myself unable to ask her anything more. I almost could not believe what she just said.

Parvati noticed my shocked expression and elaborated, ‘I did! She was shopping for some travel bags in Royal Star Mall and we ran into each other. She is still exactly the same, hasn’t changed a bit. She’s doing this freelance photography gig and she’s travelling everywhere! She looked good, happy. She is clearly living her dream.’

She paused to look at me for a while and then said, ‘She asked me about you too.’

‘Why does she even care anymore?’ I asked her and myself at the same time.

‘She never stopped, Kunal,’ Parvati said.

Those words made me feel like someone was squeezing my chest from the inside. As much as I had tried, it was still immensely hard to forget about her. As much I tried to convince myself that what I did was right for both of us, it still killed me. I had spent way too long imagining how different my life would have been if we were still together.  Things started looking up when Anita stepped into my life and we wanted to start a life together.

 I decided to never look back and I have been very successful at doing that.

Till now. Till right this moment.

‘It would have never worked, Parvati. You know that very well.’ I told her, trying to sound as convincing as I could.

‘Who are you trying to convince, me or yourself?’ She was looking right into my eyes. I had to look away.

‘I have seen you with her for so many years, you idiot. I have also seen you without her, and trust me, you both fit. Not just as a romantic couple, but as people. Everyone knew what you two shared was impossible to find. You were not just some couple who were madly in love. It was a lot more than that. But then again, you already know that, don’t you?’

‘We were wild and reckless and impulsive,’ I recalled. ‘She was the crazy one who thought chasing impossible dreams was all she could do for the rest of her life. She had no idea what she wanted and she didn’t care either. That kind of shit only works till you have to actually have to get out of college and find out how to achieve what you really need. I have reached this point in my life after working my ass off. She will never be able to find what I have if her idea of living is uselessly jumping around from one place to another.’

‘It’s a good thing then,’ said Parvati, sounding perfectly calm and composed, ‘that she never needed anyone’s approval about how she lives her life. And to be honest, from what I can see, you still have no idea what you really want.’

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

We both decided to end that conversation right there.

The rest of the evening went as planned and everyone left in good spirits. When it was time for Parvati to leave, I wanted to see her off and hail her a cab. Just before getting in, she gave me this knowing look and shoved a piece of napkin in my pocket. Before I could figure out why she did that, the cab had already pulled away.

I took out the napkin to find a message written inside.

“21/A Herrington Road. She’s leaving tomorrow.”

She didn’t need to write me the name of the person who’s address that was. And I hated her for doing that. I wanted to throw away the napkin right then, but something made me tuck it back inside and walk back upstairs.

The next morning I got in the driver’s seat the exact same time that I always do and started the car.

Before I know it, I was there. I was standing right outside her building, my heart pounding like a mad man.

I checked her name and apartment number at the gate and ran up to the fourth floor. After fighting with myself for almost half an hour, I rang the doorbell.

There was absolutely no guarantee that she would answer. She might have had an early flight or something and already left. Maybe I was too late. Again.

But the door flung open. And it was her.

The big dark brown eyes, the huge mane of messed up curly black hair, the same pale skin, those full pink lips. She was exactly the same Tara I had fallen in love with the first day of college.

Her bright smile lighted up her face as she saw me standing there in front of her. That is what occupied my whole mind, I couldn’t think of anything else.

Neither of us was surprised to find each other on either side of this door. She looked at me the same way she always did when I used to come over to her room for our numerous study sessions which hardly ever included any studying.

She looked at me as if all the years that had gone by after college just disappeared. I was the only one who got older and seemed out of place in this whole situation right now, wearing this stupid suit with my hair and shoes all clean and proper. But who was I really kidding?

I’ve always loved messy. I’ve always loved Tara.

Right now, it seems like we are exactly back to where we had left off all those years ago. Tara broke the silence after a long time.

‘You missed me.’

‘Just like you said I would.’

I Am Happy

Posted on by msengupta94

I know I haven’t gotten around to writing lately.

It has been partly because of a writer’s block and also because there have been some things that have been happening in a way I am slowly losing my grip over reality.

I met someone. Yes, the typical aww moment for any of my friends when I tell them. And an eyebrow-raising “Really?” moment for my sister who has seen me living the happiest 3 years being single as fuck.

I recently got back in touch with a couple of my high school friends after many years. I never sat well with all of them when we were in school. But things took a turn for the better after we all sat down together talking about the old times with a few shots of vodka in us. Well, it got better for some of us.

Needless to say, when old friends, pent up emotions and vodka is involved, there is bound to be a mess. And a huge mess there was, which involved some new friends as well, and I was right there in the middle of it all. Let’s just say one new friend is not interested in being my friend anymore, and one old friend wants a little too much.

Then came a series of mishaps one after the other. It was hard enough opening up to these people after so many years of not being aware of each other’s existence, and then dealing with all the drama, feelings, mistakes, and regrets was a little too much for me to handle. I was habituated to being aloof and away from all these things for years and I wanted to make a run for it again.

But there had been this one guy who didn’t have his hair touched in spite of being in this mess with me. He was not directly involved with anything, but he was my corner stone. The most loyal corner stone I ever knew. He was an old friend and we were never close back in high school, but our first drunk conversation just made me feel more at home more than anything. He became my sole helping hand who was the only reason I decided not to run away from these bunch of people even when I was getting tired of all the drama. He made me see and understand my friends in a different way. He made me realise how much I meant to them and what a stupid thing it would be to give up on some amazing friendships.

In the middle of all this, we never realised when we both had brought down our own walls for each other. But we did realise that everything that lay on the other side of the walls were not much different from what we were trying to protect.

Somewhere in the big storm, we found a tiny bubble of peace in each other. The kind of peace we never knew could exist.

We both knew what we felt and we couldn’t risk losing the peace that we shared. He was the first one to confess and the whole establishment of it all kind of took me by surprise. Being the immensely mature person, I immediately turned him down and told him that there is no hope for us in the future. I am a very convincing liar.

However, there was no way of denying what I felt for him, and so I did end up confessing – not in words, but with a kiss. And there was only one way from there.

All the tv shows we binge watching together, complaining about, the love for food that we share (that includes the nutella dipped crackers, the biscuits drooling in cheese, the chicken sandwich you made for me, the cheesecake I made for you, the cups of coffee we absolutely adore, and almost melting bar of chocolate ice cream that we shared), the way we cannot help but great each other with a kiss whenever we can, the way out fingers fit with each other, the feeling of bliss when we’re lying next to each other in absolute silence and otherwise – I wouldn’t trade these for the world.

The time when I was sitting on your bed in your shirt, with you sitting at the desktop wearing just your track pants, with FRIENDS playing in your pc, and us sipping on the cups of coffee you made for us – it made me realise how lucky I am right now. It made me realise how I wish I could record those few minutes and keep it treasured somewhere so that no one can take it away from us.

I may not know where we are headed, I do not know what the future holds for either of us. But I am certain of one thing. I have been okay for a really long time, but with you right now

I am happy.

And it’s more than I can ever ask for.

The Perfect World

Posted on by msengupta94

I guess everyone has that one song. That perfect song. It can never be two. It’s just one.

THAT ONE SONG…

You play it unconsciously, and before you know it, you’re singing along softly, doing what you were doing. When the music floats in your ears, your words mix with the singer’s (well, somewhat),

Your world kind of, tilts. In a beautiful way. You won’t even know it.

But you suddenly don’t realize what you were doing, and feel the song filling you up. Suddenly, it makes you feel things… Impossible things, and transports you to another world.

Suddenly, all the words freely flowing, makes more sense than anything ever did in your life. Suddenly, those few words start making things so simple, those few things that have been eating you up every night. At that time, everything around you seems to be connected to you somehow, and everything you really are related to, seems to be within you.

Every pulse, every beat of heart becomes perfectly synchronized with the song’s, and the incredibility of that moment overwhelms you.

Suddenly, you start feeling warm in your chest, not the type of warm that happens when you get heart-burns, but a good warm, a happy warm. You feel all those impossible dreams of yours are not so impossible after all. You start feeling flushed, a weird feeling reaching up to your eyes and then up to your head. You look at the goose bumps in your arms. Suddenly all those things that you were too afraid to say out loud, those words are the only ones you want to shout out to the whole world.

And you feel your world tilting some more, and then a little more, and before you know it, it’s falling…

And then, the song ends. And your perfect little world is

Lying on the floor, shattered…

You can see yourself in those tiny pieces, smiling up at your own self. So you pick them, very carefully, and use them to fill up the sad old cracks of another cruel little world, also known as…

LIFE.

And only hope it becomes as beautiful as your own little world.

Just hope.

You.

Posted on by msengupta94

You.

In poetic ways, some would say you’re a breath of fresh air. You’re like a summoning of something positive, a feeling. You are the most intense emotion I’ve ever felt. You are the unstoppable force that moved my immovable soul.

You.

You make me nervous. You make me tense. You make me want to curse everything around me that distances me from you. I dream about you. You make me want to erase everyone around us when you are in front of me. You make me scared.

You.

You make me feel like the birds in the sky – swaying away with the strong winds under the dark looming clouds. You make me feel free, you make me feel alive. I sway around, letting the winds take me wherever they want to, because I can bet my life on them. I feel like I’ve been released after so long. But I also know what these strong winds mean. I know these dark clouds are threatening to burst open with torrential rain and wash everything away. Everything including my freedom.

I will not be able trust these winds anymore because they will get brutal. They will push me into dark corners, and try their best to trap me. You make me scared.

I will not be able to stretch my wings anymore, because the cruel rain will drench them and burden them with rainwater. My wings will get heavy and pull me down. You make me nervous.

I will not find these low rumblings in the faraway clouds musical anymore. They will come closer, flash right in front of me eyes, and blind me. You make me tense.

You.

You are the storm that will make me crash and burn. You are the rain that will make me drown. You are the lightning that will stop my heart. And I will have no regrets.

Because by the time the storm comes, I will have known how my heart feels when it is pounding in my ears. I will have known how it feels to be able to spread my wings and trust the winds. I will have known how the fearsome thunders can also sound majestic and beautiful. I will have known how to lose myself in the dark clouds and feel no fear.

I will have known myself.

I will have known you.

Chance – The Silence

Posted on by msengupta94

‘I explained this whole thing to you last night itself, Ma!’

His voice seemed different, and clearly not as cheeky as it did when he was talking to me before. I was careful enough to not make a sound, so that he doesn’t have to notice me sitting here. In addition, there was a big white pillar exactly between us, which is why I couldn’t see him either.

‘Can I please talk to Baba?’

I tried peeking from beside the pillar – his face was in his right hand, with his phone at his left ear. Something about his hunched shoulder and his bowed down head made me feel bad. I don’t know why.

‘Why can’t you just tell her that I – Yes, well, I told her that! What else do you want me to do? Fine, I’ll be back tomorrow… I just said I’ll be back – Oh, I’m being selfish? Really? After whatever you both did to Didi’s life, you’re blaming me now? You know, this is why I don’t want to come back… There is nothing left to call a home in that house.’

And then there was silence. I wasn’t sure at first whether the conversation was over or not, but I dared not peek. After a few seconds, I saw him walking back and taking the metal bench right beside mine.

That is when he noticed me, sitting there all along.

Any other time, I would have expected him to say something, but at that moment, when our eyes met, something told me that he didn’t have anything to say to me. The first split second he looked shocked to see me there, but then this exhaustion took over his face, and his eyes just dropped. After a heavy sigh, he looked ahead into the sea.

I did the same. It kept going on and on in my mind whether leaving the balcony right now would be a good idea. He was clearly dealing with some serious family issues and anyone in his place would want some time alone. But he didn’t ask me to leave.

I looked over at him again. He was just a few feet to my right, and even though it was dark out here, I could clearly see his face. He kept staring in the same direction and his furrowed eyebrows made it clear that he definitely wasn’t admiring the waves. His phone was lying carelessly on the bench beside him and he had his arms crossed tightly over his chest, he was breathing quite fast.

Anyone else in my place would have asked him about the phone call and tried to assure him that everything was going to be fine. But I didn’t. I wasn’t curious about the phone call. I don’t want to know why he was fighting with his parents. I don’t want to go up to him and give him false hope either.

I was just waiting for time to pass fast enough so that I could see his cocky smile again. This exhausted expression made him look older and more serious and I felt it didn’t suit him.

I looked away before he turned to look at me. I felt his eyes on me for a few seconds, but I didn’t want to look back. I had no idea what he was thinking about me – whether he was angry at me or annoyed or just sad. I heard him sigh once more and saw him looking ahead again through the corner of my eye.

I was mentally thanking him for not saying anything, I wouldn’t have known how to respond. I looked over one more time to see his eyebrows back to normal again, not furrowed anymore, and his breathing had also calmed. But he still looked deep in thought.

Feeling a bit better myself, I went back to watching the waves, and just put my mind on how each wave was forming and crashing, how close they were coming. Somehow, it felt kind of good knowing that Vikram was here, sitting with me, watching the same waves. So that’s what we did. We just sat there, looking ahead, lost in our own thoughts.

After a while, it started to get chilly. I was about to get up, when I saw Vikram looking at me. He didn’t smile, but his eyes weren’t just looking, they were seeing something. I didn’t smile either, but I wanted to keep looking at him a while longer.

He shifted in his bench to face me, but his eyes were still fixed on me. He sat leaning forward casually, supporting his elbows on his knees, but he didn’t say anything. We just kept looking at each other as I tried to find that cheeky sparkle in eyes, but they weren’t there.

I didn’t feel compelled to leave or say anything. His gaze wasn’t malicious or shifting anywhere apart from my face or my hair. I couldn’t look away from his eyes either, they are so magnetic.

Not knowing how much time has passed, didn’t make me feel anxious for the first time.

He stood up. I waited.

He nodded towards the door and gestured me to go ahead of him and so I did. I got up and walked out into the restaurant. Just as we were about walk away, he softly whispered from behind me, ‘Thank you.’

Before I could look back at him, he had already walked away.

The next morning as I was heading towards the restaurant again for breakfast, I saw him and his friends carrying out their luggage through the lobby. Our eyes met for a brief second as he was walking out – he winked at me, that same cocky smile was back again.

I smiled back.

Chance – The Distraction

Posted on by msengupta94

As I was walking along the beach just before dinner, I started wishing I never met the guy. I was getting paranoid about him running up to me wherever I go. Even as I am walking on this really dark and abandoned beach, I feel like he’ll say something cocky anytime now. He might be lurking somewhere in the shadows right this instant.

He’s not as creepy as I’m making him sound in my head. He’s pretty loud and vocal about whatever he’s thinking and he doesn’t really care much about making an impression. He’s got a decent taste in clothing (or lack thereof), and seems to be educated and smart. There’s nothing wrong with any of those things, he’s fine. I just don’t get why he came to talk to me.

I am the last person who can leave an impression on anyone. Yes, I admit, I was a very loud and vocal person too, with not a single care in the world. But I’m a different person now. Maybe this whole interaction would have made more sense if it took place 3 years ago. I was a lot like him back then. But I’m the lurking shadow now. I am not the person who gets approached by strangers anymore; I am the lost face in the endless crowd. No-one notices a lost face.

But he did, even accidentally so. And he remembered what my camera looked like, and he wanted to know my name. This may be a very casual and meaningless thing for him, but it’s this huge unexplained magic trick to me, and the fact that I can’t figure it out is kind of making me crazy. He must have forgotten about it all by now, but how will I forget about this stupid thing that distracted me from the big black hole inside me after 3 years?

This black hole didn’t let me sleep at nights, made my muscles sore and weak all day. This black hole pushed everything I ate out of me, this black hole wanted me spend all my time in the corner of my room in complete silence, so that I could think about it and be more miserable. This black hole made me feel like such a waste of space, and made me feel so hollow. It was all because of this black hole, that I couldn’t recognize myself in the mirror, and the few times when I could, I couldn’t look myself in the eyes. And this is all I could think of for 3 years. Yes, this is exactly what hell feels like.

But this one annoying guy suddenly met me at the beach and for a few hours I forgot about how much my black hole wanted me to hate myself. I liked feeling mad at him rather than feeling so heavy.

A short missed call from Asha told me they were coming down for dinner now. I headed back.

When I was about to enter the restaurant, I heard the elevator ding on the other side of the lobby and Vikram walked out of it with three other guys. He was wearing a plain grey t-shirt and black sweatpants; he still had that big black watch on his wrist, his hair looked cleaner and shiny. Before I could register the fact and look away, he looked straight at me and I froze in my steps. I could feel the other three guys looking at me and wondering why I was staring in their direction, but Vikram just kept smiling at me, as if he knew some secret.

‘You feeling okay now?’ he asked me as he passed me and walked into the restaurant with his friends. I just looked down and waited behind the door for my cheeks to get back to their natural pale color again.

I walked in to see Nandini and Asha with the others at the usual table and just like the other times; I just went and took the empty seat beside Asha. I ordered the same chicken coriander soup and gulped it down as quickly as I can, because that’s the only item that came the fastest. I was taking the last sip from my water when the others food started to arrive. I politely excused myself and left the restaurant to go sit out in the balcony.

It was a big balcony, with big old fashioned pillars and old fashioned metal benches, and it went perfectly well with the theme of the hotel. I sat down on one of the metal benches and looked out into the darkness, where only the faint outline of the crashing waves could be seen or heard. The wind was getting a little chilly, but it felt better out here than in there – the constant noise of conversation is inaudible here.

I was sitting with my eyes closed for a while when I heard the doors behind me open and close really fast. I jumped up to see Vikram walking furiously to the edge of the balcony with a phone at his ear. He didn’t see me.

The Storm

Posted on by msengupta94

My eyes were anxious. My heart was racing as though I am getting late for something really important. I wasn’t running or anything, but I was out of breath. I kept looking around but I didn’t know what I was looking for.

I had just got off the train. I was coming home after seeing you. I was so excited about meeting you when I was getting on the train. What I didn’t know, was that by the time I would get off, my life as I know it would be over. The thought of it was too much for me, I couldn’t breathe. I wasn’t prepared for this.

That’s how things happen in life, I guess. All the while you think that all you need is the right information, the right preparation. You can tell yourself that you have done everything that needs to be done, you can convince yourself that you’re ready, but when the storm hits you, you will be swept off your feet and you will land on your face. No amount of mental or physical preparation can prevent that from happening. And then, when the storm gets over, you will find yourself sitting in the big old mess you were working so hard to prevent. And your find yourself questioning the point of everything.

That’s not how things happened in my life. I thrive on my preparations. I like planning ahead, and that is how I am used to doing anything. And I also respect rules; I think they are there for a reason. They help me with my plans. I do not like surprises. Yes, I am boring. Bite me.

I have been surprised quite a few time in life and I cannot deny that most of the have been pleasant. I would still prefer a notification beforehand. My life constituted of 20% pleasant surprises, 10% unpleasant surprises, and 70% well executed plans. Until now.

For whatever happened, a notification beforehand wouldn’t have helped. I wouldn’t have had a single clue as to how I should prepare myself for this. I couldn’t have. For the first time in my life, I wanted to surprise anyone. I wanted to welcome you back to the city with a surprise visit. But I am the one who ended up getting the worst surprise ever.

I should have clicked a picture of both your faces when you saw me standing at the door. For a few moments, time seemed to stand still when you were both just looking at me – all the three of us hoping against hope that this is a terrible nightmare. And then there was a sudden swishing of sheets, while you and that girl tried to put on your clothes, trying to look decent, trying clean up the mess.

But what was the point of it, really? The storm is here, the mess has been made. I am not going to keep standing in the same place for lightning to strike me again. I turned around and left before any of us could say a single word.

And now I’m standing here, in this busy platform, in this huge mess I don’t know how to deal with. I may have walked away, but the storm left with me.

I wasn’t prepared for this.

He’s still here.

Posted on by msengupta94

We both slammed the doors shut one after the other. I put on my seat-belt. My ears were still painfully ringing with my step-mother’s shrill words – ‘You are not going to step out of the house unless you finish your bowl!’, ‘Enough is enough! Stop moping around like this!’ and ‘You have to accept the fact he’s gone for good and he’s not coming back…”

The meaning of these words had faded away from my mind months back. She wasn’t aware of the fact that these are all meaningless rebuke in my head now. Every time her voice made something burn inside me. I was hoping she would one day realize this, and just shut up. I don’t like talking to her. I don’t remember the last time I talked to her. Wow, the dashboard looks so clean…

‘Are you listening to me?’

‘Huh?’ I turned to my father. He was driving.

‘You have an appointment at six, so I’ll come to pick you up around 5. Is that okay?’ He was looking ahead, into the rain, which the wipers were trying really hard to wipe away. But they kept coming back. Everything kept getting blurred again and again, the wipers couldn’t help it. It couldn’t fight the rain…

‘Is that okay?’ The question was repeated.

I nodded.

I wish the wipers would just give up. Let the rain fall freely. I liked it better when it rains, when everything turns blurry because of all the water. It feels better when everything’s not so prominent, not as clear as everyone wants everything to be. Sometimes things should be left blurry, muddy, wet, unclear…

I got out and pulled my hood over my head. I heard the car driving away as I stood for a while facing the entrance, watching.

Many students were running towards the entrance, with their heads down low or holding their bags over their heads. Some girls were walking in slowly with umbrellas designed with pink floral patterns. Some scorned at the rain, and some chatted peacefully among themselves.

But this was the background image to what I was really watching.

The rain.

Involuntarily, I started following a few drops down to the ground, as it splashed on the water puddle, sending a few drops towards my boots. Despite of standing in the cold wet winds, strange warmth spread inside me, watching the rain. And I felt a little closer to him, somehow…

*     *      *    *

I got out and started walking. It had stopped raining. I scowled at the sun, but I kept walking. I let my feet take me wherever they wanted, as I watched my boots splash the little rainwater left in a few puddles.

I dropped my bag and shrugged out of my hoodie. I walked a little further towards the water and sat down. I loved the fresh smell of this lake. The smell floated in and spread through my head, brushing some memories clean. The wind helped. I let them work their magic on me, as I felt the warmth coming back again.

My eyes shot open as that familiar smell tickled my nostrils. It was him!

He was singing. I could faintly hear his voice too. I was sitting behind him, with my arms around him. He didn’t mind, he kept playing anyways. My right ear pressed against his back. I liked listening to him like this, his voice, mixed with his heartbeat and the gentle heaving of his breath. His smell, spreading through my whole body from my nose, making me feel warm, making me feel at peace, as if he would come back some day, and maybe take me with him…

‘I knew I would find you here!’ Rohit sat down heavily beside me. His face was glowing red with sweat and a wide fake smile was stretched forcefully from ear to ear.

I looked back. He was gone. The burning started again.

‘What are you doing down here?’ As if he didn’t know. ‘I was thinking maybe we should…’

He was there again, playing, all by himself this time.

‘So, shall we?’

I took the hand being offered to me and walked away.

I put on the helmet, as I saw Rohit struggling to fit my bag and hoodie inside his bag. I got on his motorcycle and waited.

As we were leaving, I saw a glimpse of him here again, with me. Just like he did after a song ended, he turned to me behind him and kissed me on my forehead.

I felt the first gust of wind on my face kissing my forehead in the same way.

I smiled.

Chance – The Camera

Posted on by msengupta94

As I was entering the lobby of the hotel, I remembered that I did not have my room key with me. I could have called my room-mates to bring me the keys, but that’s useless because I left my phone in the room. The only other option I had was to go back to the beach and get the key from them.

I sat down in the big armchair in the lobby. I’ll wait.

Nandini walked in after a few minutes with a guy from our group of “friends”, and saw me sitting here.

‘Hey, why are you sitting down here?’ she asked me. The boy clearly looked embarrassed. No one else from the group was coming with them and their eagerness to get to the elevator clearly indicated why they were back here before everyone else. Well, except for me, of course.

‘I just needed the key,’ I said, walking up to her, and she immediately shot her hand inside her sling bag and handed me the key. I flashed them both a quick smile and jogged towards the stairs.

I quickly ran up the three floors and walked up to our room, panting. I am not a fan of elevators. After shutting the door behind me, I felt a certain kind of relief I can’t explain. Somehow, encountering that strange boy at the beach and then the awkward couple in the lobby was a little too much.

Sitting down, I realized that I had left my camera in that big armchair. I was in such a hurry to leave I forgot about my camera. I dove for my phone inside my tiny bag on the bed. But when I tried to call Nandini, it showed that it didn’t have any cell service. I know this isn’t that big a deal, but I wanted to hurl my phone across the room.

I took a deep breath and opened the door again. As I was walking down the stairs, I kept reminding myself that it’s not a big deal: I’ll just pick up the camera from the armchair and come back up again. I just hope it is still there.

When I reached the lobby I saw someone standing in front of the armchair and my camera in that person’s hands. I froze in my steps as soon as I recognized the dark blue shorts and the big black watch. It’s the same guy I saw at the beach. Is he stalking me?

‘Can I have that back, please?’ I said loudly, trying to sound as confident and polite as possible at the moment, but I could feel it all melt away when he turned around and looked at me. He acknowledged my presence with a wide smile and raised eyebrows.

‘Are you stalking me?’ he smirked, ‘Was this camera some sort of a bait?’

‘I don’t know what you are talking about,’ I told him, truthfully. Frankly, I was never into fishing innuendos. ‘I am here because I’m staying here with my friends.’

‘Me too,’ he said, smiling a little differently now.

What is this guy’s problem? He was still holding my camera very casually, with no intentions of giving it back to me. He was near enough for me reach my hand out and try to snatch it from him, but hey, there’s no need for hostility around here.

‘What a coincidence, isn’t it?’ he continued. ‘You know this one time –‘

‘I really need that back,’ I cut him off. The fact that he still wanted to converse with me was just ridiculous. I could feel the eyes of some bell-boys on me, just waiting for me give the signal that this guy is bothering me. But was he?

‘You can have it back,’ he said, after a second or two of silence. ‘After you tell me your name. Or do you have some confusion regarding that as well?’

‘Nandini,’ I lied again, and reached out for the camera.

To my horror, at the exact moment Asha and the rest of the gang walked in, and the first thing Asha said was, ‘Riya! The water was so great today; you have no idea what you missed! Who’s this guy?’

‘Oh, I’m Vikram,’ the guy in the blue shorts said, shaking Asha’s hand, ‘I just met Riya at the beach. You must be one of her friends.’

‘Ya, I’m Asha,’ she said, looking dreamily at the guy, with a hint of disbelief and then she looked back at me, ‘You met this guys at the beach? Really? Why does he have your camera?’

‘Oh, haha,’ the guy said, giving me back my camera at last. I took it from him immediately. ‘I was just kidding.’

‘Asha, I’m gonna go. I’m not feeling very well,’ I told her and raced back towards the stairs.

I Blame You

Posted on by msengupta94

I was tired of hearing the same thing over and over again. That too, from all my closest ones. I blame them. I personally never thought anything was wrong with me. I was fine. But no, according to them, I was far from fine. I was stupid. They kept warning me about every new person I came across and wanted to be friends with. He warned me about my new school.

They thought I was too nice to see the bad in anyone. They thought I was too stupid to understand what everyone’s true intentions were. They thought I always asumed that everyone I came across was a very nice person with whom I could be best friends with. They always wanted to guard me from my new friends in case they turn out to be some freak. It was all because they cared so much about me, I guess. But I was too stupid to see that as well.

You know what I thought? I thought they tagged me as the most naïve girl in the world. But the truth was – I didn’t want to judge who was a good person and who was a bad person at my first glance. I didn’t want to assume that the person I just met had some ulterior motive for being polite. I wanted to get to know the person before I start profiling them. No, I did not want to think that this world is a cruel and ugly place where everyone was out to get me.

But at times my luck proved me wrong.

I’m not a social person. It takes me forever to make new friends. But a few times when I miraculously did, reality slapped me in the face. Apparently it took me too long to get to the worse sides of my new “friends” and I had to pay the price for that. And all the “told-you-so”s did not help anything. I blame them too. It was a big price.

It changed who I am. I became like my care-givers. Only, so much worse.

I almost stopped making new friends. And even if I did, I was always at a distance. Everyone I met started reminding me of those few times when I judged someone wrong and ended up hurting myself in the process. I became careful to such an extent, I myself thought that at times I’m coming off as hostile. But I couldn’t help it now.

My care-givers warned me about these sort of situations so many times, but I just had to learn it the hard way, didn’t I?

I wasn’t the carefree happy girl anymore. I wasn’t the stupid naïve girl anymore. I am the cautious, mature girl now, the hurt and hostile girl who doesn’t know how to make friends anymore.

And I blame you for that. All of you.